FOR MY FRESHMAN GIRLIES

There is a particular kind of lonely that comes with being surrounded by people.

You walk across a campus filled with thousands of students. Your phone is full of new numbers. Your group chats never stop. Maybe you joined a sorority and suddenly have a hundred new sisters. There are football games and mixers and study groups and dinners and people asking, *What are you doing tonight?*

And somehow, you still feel completely alone.

Freshman year is strange that way. You can have somewhere to go every night of the week and still wonder: Where are my people?

If you're asking this question right now, here are some things I want you to know.

*BEING INCLUDED IS NOT THE SAME AS BEING CONNECTED

One of the weirdest things about starting college is how quickly it can look like everyone has found their people. By September, there are already pictures. Groups of girls at football games. Sorority events. Dorm room selfies. Matching outfits. Arms wrapped around each other. Captions about finding your forever friends.

Remember, a photograph tells you who stood together for three seconds. It doesn’t tell you who feels safe there, who feels like the extra friend or who desperately misses home.. Friendship takes longer than Instagram makes it look.

Don’t measure your worth by what you see on socials.

*CONNECTION REQUIRES RISK

If you want connection (aka, real friendship), you have to risk reaching for it. This is the uncomfortable part. You have to be the one who asks, “Can I sit here?”

One of the secrets nobody tells you about freshman year is that a whole lot of people are sitting around waiting to be invited by other people who are also sitting around waiting to be invited. Somebody has to go first. Sometimes it has to be you.

Asking is hard. Ask anyway.

*VULNERABILITY MAKES YOU ACCESSIBLE

You cannot be deeply known if you are not willing to be a little vulnerable. I’m not suggesting you should tell your deepest secrets to someone you met three days ago. Vulnerability is more delicate than that. It's saying, “Honestly, I'm having a hard time finding my people here.” When you tell the truth about you, it makes it safe for others to do the same.

*STOP AUDITIONING

When we are trying very hard to look confident, happy, busy, included, and completely unfazed, other people may believe us. They may look at you and think, “She already has people.” Meanwhile, you may be looking at her thinking the exact same thing.

*LOOK DEEPER

Same clothes. Same major. Same sorority. Same hometown. That’s just the outside. Look deeper. Pay attention to how people move through the world.

Is she kind when there's nothing to gain from being kind? Does she make room for the person standing at the edge? Can she laugh at herself? Does she keep her word? Is she curious? Is she generous?

The female brain is highly competitive and expert at finding differences. Look for shared values before shared aesthetics.

Friendship isn't usually built when two perfectly confident people impress each other. It's built in those tiny moments when one person says, “This is me. What's it like to be you?” And the other person realizes it's safe to answer.

Look for where you’re the same, not where you’re different.

*DON’T CONFUSE PROXIMITY FOR FRIENDSHIP

Your roommate is someone housing assigned to you. Your pledge class is a group of women who happened to join the same organization at the same time. Your classmates registered for the same course. Some of those people will become lifelong friends. Some won’t. That's okay.

Proximity gives friendship an opportunity. It doesn't guarantee connection. You are allowed to meet someone who seems perfect and discover that the two of you just don't click. You're also allowed to be surprised by someone. Give people a second look.

The quiet girl. The weird girl. The girl who isn't usually your “type.” The person from a completely different background. The person you had an awkward first conversation with because both of you were nervous. Your people may not arrive in the packaging you expected.

*FEELING ALONE IS NOT AN EMERGENCY

This may be the most important thing I can tell you: It is OK to be alone.

Freshman year can feel like being dropped into moving water. Everyone seems to be swimming somewhere.

Joining.

Meeting.

Going out.

Making plans.

Finding their people.

There can be tremendous pressure to jump in and start swimming too. But you are allowed to stand on the shore for a while.

Watch.

Listen.

Notice.

Ask yourself:

Who is kind when no one important is watching?

Who makes room?

Who seems comfortable being herself?

Who leaves you feeling calm?

*EMBRACE SOLITUDE

Solitude is getting a bad wrap. Time to yourself (for yourself) gives you room to notice things that are harder to see when you're busy trying to belong. Maybe this isn't the semester you meet your forever friends. Maybe this is the semester you learn about you.

Take yourself for coffee.

Walk across campus with your headphones on and discover which trees you love.

Find your favorite corner of the library.

Sit outside and watch people.

If you’re alone on a Friday night, you might let yourself think no one wanted to spend time with you. Or, you could practice a different thought. Say to yourself, “Tonight is mine.” Consider the possibility that solitude is a gift.

*BELIEVE IN MAGIC

Your people may still be strangers. There is something beautiful about remembering this. Some of the people who will matter most to you are people you haven't met yet. You can't see those friendships yet. That doesn't mean they aren't coming.

Believe in a God, or energy, or a Universe that is looking after you. And keep going. Make the invitation. Sit somewhere new. Look for the girl standing at the edge. Let yourself be known.

Ask for a sign.

Risk being the one who texts first.

And when somebody takes that risk with you, notice it.

Scoot!