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High Functioning Girls With Depression Presents: How to be a BOMB BFF.

A.  Recite my coffee order, by heart.

B.  Hate everyone I hate, with no regard for logic or consequence.

C.  Hate everyone who hates me (also, don’t be friends with anyone who sort of doesn’t like me, sometimes acts real judgy, used to go out with someone I used to go out with or am currently with or might someday want to be with). Basically, don’t be friends with anyone who makes me feel uncomfortable in any way, at all, whatsoever. Ever.

D.  Document every stupid, sideways and remotely hurtful thing my spouse does and, when it looks like I’m about to feel bad for something, roll call that shit for me in chronological order so I remember who has the upper hand (“We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the hand from the opening,” Jerry Seinfeld, “Seinfeld,” Episode: Pez Dispenser. January 15, 1992).

E.  In the case of sudden death, destroy my hard drive and don’t let my mother pick out my burial clothes.

F.  Only post social media pictures that make us both look good.

G.  Educate yourself on depression so you won’t say dumb things that aren’t helpful.

H.  Don’t let me settle for food that isn’t prepared the way I ordered it, sugar free “desserts,” mediocre jeans and people who don’t really see me. Also pleassssse do not let me choose any relationship that even remotely seems like it could end up in an episode of Dateline Mystery (even though we fucking love Dateline Mystery)!

I.  When I tell you something hard, don’t silver line it. Just stand in the mess with me.

J.  When I bring it all crashing down on my head (again), tell me the truth about my part (but only in not condescending ways that emphasize how I was totally doing the best I could with what I had. Obviously.)

K.  When I feel gross, send me ugly selfies and tell me how much weight you gained last month.

L.  Don’t tell me everything is going to be okay. Tell me it’s going to be hard and probably get harder, then remind me that you’re always going to be there with doughnuts and love and the most expensive Justin Timberlake concert tickets we can find.

M.  Take really good care of yourself. It’s important that I’m the most unstable one in the relationship.

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